Flashback

Sometimes, I look into my past. I will be sitting doing nothing and memories will pop into my head. Sometimes, they are so clear it is like being right back in the exact moment. Often times, the memories are happy ones and I catch myself smiling into the room for no reason at all. Other times, the memories are sad and I push them away. Recently though, I seem to be finding more and more questions in my past. The question that is begging to be answered the most is, "WHY?"

Why? Why. WHY? Hmmmmmm. Why did I allow you to spread that rumor? Why did I pick that sweater with those jeans? Why did you let that boy kiss you? Why did you allow that man to hurt you for so long? Why did you even stop walking that day? LOL there are so many different questions to be answered but, they are all asked the same.... WHY?

Truth is, I don't know why. I don't know why I allowed people to say such horrible things about me for so long. Truth is, sometimes, the things people said about me were true. Why did I give them something to talk about? I don't know. I don't know why I thought dressing like people from Saved By The Bell was a good idea. My classmates definitely tried to educate me on that one. OOPS LOL. SMDH. I don't know. My first kiss was in between classes in high school and the boy was eating pretzels. One of the worst moments of my life. Why? Cus I didnt know any damn better.  That is the answer to almost all of those questions. I don't know...I guess I just didnt know any better.

I look on Facebook from time to time and I see new pictures pop up in my news feed. Pictures of ex's or old friends, pictures of people that added me to be nosey because they havent spoken a word to me since they added me. I get a little frustrated sometimes with myself because I wonder why I ever allowed people to hurt me for so long, including myself. Lord knows, I have done plenty of damage to myself. The thing that get's me though, is why did I allow people to hurt me for so long? People think I am bitchy now or oversensitive. I wish they could reconcile who I am now with who I used to be. Maybe then, they would understand. You see, I see these pictures and I get angry and I start deleting folks, blockin' folks, just getting rid of em because I didnt know how to before. I didnt know any better. I know now.

I have been through so much. Too much, to allow people to continue to hurt me or to fade into black when my world is dark and to jump into the limelight when God blesses me with sunshine. I feel sunshine on my face, I know that there will be clouds but SUNSHINE is behind them. I am seeing God work for me. He is freeing me from the chains of my past and I am growing so tall inside. There are plenty of things I have to work on that's true. I have decided to take them one step at a time. First things first, Stop asking 'Why' and start asking 'How". I will no longer ask myself or God why things happen the way they do. I am simply going to ask myself, "How do you want to handle this?" and trust God to see me through. So, if ya find yourself deleted, blocked, ignored, or cursed out in a prompt fashion, don't be offended. Be happy for me. I am growin'.