If you look long enough, you will find something.

If you are looking for faults you will find them. There will always be one piece of a puzzle that isnt cut perfectly. It will be an odd fit but, the picture will be complete albeit unique. Stop trying so hard to fix things that aren't broken. The more layers of paint you throw on a wall, the more lumps it will have. I am a wall. I have plenty of layers of paint and plenty of lumps. I am doing the work, stripping the paint and scraping the wall clean. I will be good as new soon. If you keep on throwing paint at me, I'm gonna feel the need to scrape ur face. :)

My Ma and I were recently talking and we came to the conclusion that I should start a journal. She went on to say if I were brave enough, I should share it. I am definitely brave enough. I figured the best way to start would be to do just that. Start. I will by simply sharing. It won't always be grammatically correct or in proper format but, it's just a way for you to start to get to know my personality.

 I am a 26 yr old student. I am the oldest out of six children and my nephew makes seven. My Moms adopted him. MOMS=multiple Moms. My parents are Gay. I love them. I don't care that they are Gay. I care that they can't hold hands at a restaurant, I care that they can't adopt kids together, I care that they can't be married. I do have a Dad, I love him, I wish he were a better parent but, parents are human. They make mistakes. I have a huge amount of love for all of my parents.

I have 3 brothers and 2 sisters. I am almost positive that I have another brother and sister that I have not met. My dad (for some reason that still remains a mystery to me) was quite popular when he was younger and I saw some pictures once of these two kids that I knew, KNEW were my Dad's children. He denies it though, so, I have no way to meet them. I love my brothers and sisters. For the most part we have a good relationship, but we struggle from time to time.

I love Madea plays, I don't care if you think they are ignorant, I find them hilarious. I love my nephew with the passion of a Lioness. I will RAGE AND DESTROY to protect my monkey. He is my heart and he is the JOY of our family.

I am a college student, I plan to become a professor. I would like to teach American National Government. I want to do spots on CNN and History Channel. I love anything that has to do with war or our government. I like just about every documentary to come on History Channel even if I don't agree with it's politics. I will read anything even crap simply because I can't take your word for it. I have to know for MYSELF that it is truly crap. I would marry Stephen Colbert tomorrow but I would definitely still be in love with Anderson Cooper and I would still throw darts at Bill O'reilly. I think he is one of the very few people in our world that should be CENSORED.

I think that I could write until the sun came up and you still wouldn't know me but I am hoping that through reading my blog, you will learn my past and present. I hope my words will give you a glimpse into the dream I have for my future. I will try to write daily. I hope you enjoy it. Feel free to comment.

The Negro Speaks of Rivers

Langston Hughes wrote a poem that likened life to a river,deep in some spots, shallow in others. I believe that we all can find one way or another to liken our lives up to now, to a river. We all have ups and downs and calm moments and wild ones. I personally have had a long winding river of a life that is nothing short of beautiful because it is my story.



The mouth of my river starts at the mountain that is my mother. I liken her to a mountain because she is strong and majestic. She is regal and she is valued for all of her resources. Her being such allows the water that is my river to soak up her minerals and become clean on her rocks. My river starts out slow and thin because for so long it was difficult for me to understand and practice things like honesty and integrity. As I started to grow and learn what it was to become a strong empowered woman, my river began to flow stronger wider and deeper.


As I grew the water became deeper because the problems I faced became more difficult. I had to deal with things like peer pressure, abuse from classmates and self hatred. I hated being light skinned. I hated being poorer than other kids and I hated the high expectations people had for me. The more I hated my life the more the waters of my river raged. Rocks suddenly appeared where there had been none before. I started failing classes, smoking cigarettes and letting hatred for all things grow in my heart. The waters of my river grew frigid and so deep that you wouldn't see any reflection of the woman God wanted me to be in its blue black waters. Eventually all of these things culminated into a very large and destructive waterfall.


Thankfully at the end of every waterfall is a glade of beautiful plants and calmer more inviting waters. Such is the story of my river. After I hit bottom I came to a place in life that became more about loving and living life as a strong woman that did what was right even when no one was looking, than it was about clothes, money or men. The waters of my river are deep but clear, cool, pleasant and refreshing. My river reflects the sun that God has put into my heart and soul. My river is mystic.


The waters of my river have depths that reflect the woman that I am and not the woman frivolity would want me to be. The waters of my river are ever moving and ever changing as I grow and learn but the one thing that my river is not, is dry, because I will never fall in to a stereotypical role. I will never settle for less than what or whom I deserve. I will never stop fighting for those that can not fight for themselves. My river, my life will leave behind nothing but a kind of greatness that has only been dreamed of before because I refuse to be anything other than someone that brings water to those that are thirsty.

Frustrated

First of all, why would anyone choose to be anything that could get them killed or beaten to death?? Being gay is a natural inclination same as being straight. Until we die and have a personal conversation with God, we have no room to decide who is right and who is wrong. Even if homosexuality were wrong which it isnt but if it were wrong , It would only be so if a persons being homosexual directly affected you in a negative manner. It doesnt....Tom Effing Jim has nothing to do with Greg banging Stacy. Therefore, people need to learn to live and let live....in 1861, the world thought black people were disgusting and inferior. Noone was ready to think otherwise....We forced them to do so and now we are making huge positive differences in the world....Gay, lesbian, transgendered and bisexual people deserve the same chance.

Blind

She is enraged...an anger to be blamed on your disability, your inability to see...
She is morbid almost homicidal in her thoughts of revenge on those that seek to pretend to understand...
She is patient in her reasoning, calm and collected because she realizes that you are blind
to the ties that bind her soul.
Little do you know who she really is...Your ignorance truly bliss.
For surely you would be ashamed of how your behavior has maimed her.
Ashamed at how you've slighted her and how the ignorance of your words keeps biting her...over and over...
so much like a vampire you are...the scars you leave not on her neck but her soul as you carelessly suck the love and vibrance from her being...all because you cant remember ever seeing....HER....
She is me and her soul is my own....
I would love to usurp you and take your throne...to sit in that high place and look down my OWN nose into YOUR face....
and laugh at the feeling so innocently etched there....
to kick you down and frown at your whimpers of pain....
knowing that they come from your soul...
I would do it all freely with a lack of compassionate feeling because then I would too
would never really be seeing....I'd be blind...